I wish I could punch you in the face.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
