May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
