when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
