i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
