ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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