The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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