He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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