good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
