I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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