she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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