If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
