I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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