Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
