guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
