u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
