Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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