I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
