Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
