FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
