Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
