Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
