When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
