Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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