Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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