Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
