I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
