this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
