Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
