He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
