Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
