I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
How does one acquire holy water?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
