i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
honey bunches of taint.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
