I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize