At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
