i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
