Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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