I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
