HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
