my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
