Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You dont lie about slip and slides
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
