and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
