So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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