I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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