I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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