Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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