i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
