My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
