the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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