his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
