oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
