I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
