My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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