walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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