im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize