I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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