So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My cat gives me a boner
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I will pee on everything he values.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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