My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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