dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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