He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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