Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
